One Blog to Rule Them All

Bed-time Stories

2012-01-15T18:53:00.000-08:00

A roof. A blanket. Being wanted. Being thought of. A big dog with a loud bark. Our parents. Our belongings. A bullet-proof vest. A Volvo. A 'job'. A 'career'. Money. Lots of money. Make-up. Clothes that flatter us. Clothes that hide us. A weapon. Our friends standing with us. Our families around us. A safe. A cage. A security system. A panic room. Familiarity. Popularity. Rules. Boundaries. Faith. Flattery. Structured underwear. Structured underwire. Seat belts.

What else?

The Settler and the Reacher

2011-12-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

One of my homies for life, Tiny (that's her prison name) and I were talking about this concept today. The idea made popular by a lovable yet highly made fun of sitcom by some of my other homies for life who think they're cooler than me (hey Evan): How I Met Your Mother. In this particular episode, Marshall comes to the life shattering conclusion that he is indeed the Reacher in his marriage with his wife Lily. Lily admits to being the Settler, backed by numerous other testimonies from the other cast members.

As an aside, this show brought the outrageously talented Neil Patrick Harris back to life, and I don't care if you think it's pedestrian, or if your stance is that the 'LAUGH TRACK IS THE ONLY REASON WHY YOU LEMMINGS FIND IT HUMOROUS', because if you're the kind of person who un-makes friends based on TV shows, I'd like to direct you to THIS blog.

I digress. The Settler settles. Never worries about their partner being unfaithful, flirtatious, straying, registering for naked LARP tournaments, etc. The Reacher reaches. The sun may not necessarily rise and set on their Settler partner but there's a likelihood that they worry more about the things that the Settler doesn't bother to consider. The Reacher counts themselves the fortunate one and brushes the Settler's hair a hundred times before bed every night.

Let me take a moment to underline the degree to which this mentality is fucked up. Blogger won't let me underline it, so we're just gonna stick with bold. Curses.

Anybody who manages to find anybody else who'll put up with their shit should count themselves lucky. If your partner's okay with your dirty scratchy play-off beard and the fact that you air out your hockey equipment in the living room, you're lucky. If the person you share your life with is somehow okay with how much money and time you spend getting tiny Dachshunds painted on your nails in a salon/spa, count thyself extremely fortunate. We are all of us crazy, and the people who love us should neither settle nor reach. We all fall under Fucking Lucky.

Don't kid yourself if you 'know' you're a Settler and that you don't have any weirdness going on.

You're batshit. I promise.

if you're happy and you know it Part Deux

2011-10-31T05:58:00.000-07:00

MMMMMMHEELLOOOOOO! Welcome to the second in a series of anonymous-answer-seeking blogs.

What's the best advice that anyone has ever given you? To overcome obstacles, to get through a rough patch, to give you the strength to be or do better. It can be original or passed on to you from someone else who found it helpful. Can't remember the absolute best? Just throw me something that has stayed with you because of its sheer simplicity.

Same as before; nothing vengeful and nothing driven by negative feelings.

Comment anonymously! I won't make the comments available to view until the bitter end.

so much snugz,

Chomps

if you're happy and you know it...

2011-10-26T18:47:00.000-07:00

I need a hand! Or a foot! Or an idea.

Comment ANONYMOUSLY on this post. Send a sentence. Your favourite quotation, or place, or person, or dream, or hope, or even just your favourite word. Something that means something to you and somebody else. Something that means ANYTHING to you and you alone. Don't include why it's significant. My one specific request is that they all be positive. No fears, no regrets, no guilt-ridden anythings.

Please? Okay? With pepperoni and mushrooms on top?

THX!

I know how to properly fold fitted sheets. My Mom taught me.

2011-07-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

What's it been, like four months?

here's what I've been doing. (today, every day, in no particular order)

watching thirtysomething because it's so real and so true and it's guiding all of my decision-making as a late twentysomething. I'm half serious. Quarter serious? Not serious at all. But it's a really good show.
making plans to have an incredible summer and full on actually truly really amazingly having one.
working seven days a week. I started doing this again in February and life's flying by. I feel sedentary and good-for-nothing if I'm NOT working until I hit some blessing of a three day weekend and I realize what it's like to be a human and not a cyborg. Be a human. It's so much better. There was a moment a couple weeks ago where I was eating breakfast in the sun with the whole day ahead of me and I can just remember looking at the person sitting next to me and feeling ACTUAL f'realz peace in my heart. Cyborgs don't get that. I didn't have that for so long. I can't believe what I was missing.
living with my kid brother! oh Lord. Imagine?
wondering where I'm going next. For so long (about three years) I had such a vision. It was foggy in some parts but if you kind of have an idea of the major stops along the way I guess it brings you a lot of comfort and you forget to do and even BE new things. I can see life as something really dynamic now and even though the rent-paying and the grown-up being is so unbelievably marked with stress and wrinkles and giving cats flea medication, I can still be anybody. How could I have lost sight of that?

I'm not turning into a hippie, I swear. I think what happened is I realized that 'stability' doesn't need to be 'sameness'. Life didn't get boring. I did.

I still love my cats and I'm still strange and I still love Harry Potter (but haven't seen the fucking movie yet somehow), and a day on a couch with a pile of All Dressed Ruffles is still blissful if it's with the right bloke. BUT: it doesn't make a life.

This post was so unbelievably self-centred. Fun fact about self-centredness: it means I don't actually care that I'm being self-centred. Joke's on all y'all.

happy 2011 and beyond

face time

2011-04-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

Being around people can be so frigging taxing sometimes. If you're really truly honest with yourself, and you think you happen to be one of those individuals who 'sees the good in everyone', then bless your heart and all that other junk but my darlings, you're full of crap.

We are a HARD species to be around. It's why most outdoor animals run from us, I think. We're loud and smelly and we spit when we talk, we talk while we're eating, and we're usually eating outdoor animals.

A couple nights ago I remembered how awkward and scary it can be to walk into a group of people that I don't really know (though this was to varied degrees because of the magic of the interwebz and the Rohypnol I've brought with me when I've seen the Pause guys on other occasions) and sort of try to ...let's say 'acclimate' to their 'weather conditions.'

It's not easy. The world we live in now as young adults is a lot easier to navigate with a monitor and a keyboard, and even though we care about each other, we can always avoid how irritating or embarrassing human interaction can be by minimizing a screen or bee-arr-beeing and never returning.

But this night wasn't like that.

I swear to Easter Sunday I got past that weird awkward tinge and the actual time spent being around brand new people put some colour back in my cheeks. I'm not a shy person by nature, and most of you know that. What I tend NOT to do is put myself in positions where I can be humiliated, embarrassed, mocked by somebody bigger in stature or made an example of using heavy utensils or unpredictable battery operated devices. Turns out none of that stuff is likely to happen the first time you hang out with people anyway. Don't know what I was so onliney for in the first place, really.

I don't know if anyone's predicted the ironic conclusion to this story, but I've got two brand new Facebook friends. Also, Andrew's really good at Apples to Apples. He beat all of us five badillion to nothing.

Joyeux Paques!

maintenance

2011-04-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

Friends,

I'm here to tell you that I actually put my mind to something and reaped some sort of positive benefit.

In February I joined Weight Watchers, because feeling better and looking hot was on my list of things to actually accomplish - not for 2011 - but for life and for some semblance of satisfaction with myself. If any one's thinking of joining but is worried it won't work, I'm down 20 pounds and it's got everything to do with my 80 dollar commitment. I don't know if it's going to stick, but it's a work in progress.

In other news, Kodes and I broke up. I moved in with my little brother (which is crazy but comforting) and I won the 16 million last week that you read about in the Metro.

...imagine? HA!

Things are still hard. Life without your best friend is trying. Each and every day you think about a person that you know is still around but not with you and you wonder how the time you spent making/thinking about/denying/accepting/grieving THE important decision brought you to such a strange and I guess 'naked' conclusion. Naked's probably a weird word to use but I do feel like I'm sort of out on a limb with no pants on. Like I'm awkward and figuring out how and who to be. It can be exhilarating but only some of the time. Also drafty. Cuz' of the pantsless thing.

harhar.

I haven't posted about my other blog on the Pause site yet, so here's the link http://pause-chomps.blogspot.com .

love!

Rolling on the floor laughing out loud with my...ass off.

2011-03-19T17:03:00.000-07:00

This one goes out to Nicholas Andrew Watson and Martinne Marie Rosario Ignacio Palanca.

Today I discovered When Parents Text.

This was one of them:

MOM:	What does the imperius curse do?
MOM:	Call me
MOM:	CALL ME

this one's entitled "What's Truly Wrong with Why I Think I'm Right All the Time."

2011-02-09T19:34:00.001-08:00

Today's trending topic:

Circumcision.

Just kidding! That'd be wildly inappropriate. Though I managed to ramble on about that with Matty tonight for a good hour. It's fun being my friend. Just kidding.

But there's another c-word that comes to mind.

Communication.

I work in a field that leans heavily on the importance of this. By lean I mean it's a freaking fundamental. The day-to-day lives we lead with strangers and familiars has this 'act' woven intrinsically through every person-based exchange. I also think there's humour in the sad truth that we all happen to suck at it. Yes, you do too. Especially you. But esPECIALly me.

The biggest thumbtack in the ass of my life right now is that I used to think I was brilliant at communicating. Turns out that just because I can make people laugh, doesn't necessarily mean I'm all that good at communicating anything. It DOES guarantee that I'm a successful fool. Not what my daddy wanted me to grow up to be, but at least I'm not addicted to crystal meth.

So anyway, what I'm trying to say (and let's see if I can communicate it coherently) is that I'm beginning to see the commonalities between feeling 'misunderstood' and being a poor communicator. It's a dangerous blend because one perspective ends up leaving you feeling sorry for yourself and resenting the rest of the unlucky people that have to ride the streetcar with you, while the other sheds a lot of light on ways you could be making your own life easier. As well as the poor people riding with you. Though I still find most of you insufferable, and I wish to Christ you'd stop standing in the doorway.

My goal this week is to successfully communicate. To not assume that anyone should "know better" or that somebody who doesn't understand the crazy bullshit I'm spewing is inherently stupid.

I can't see how this could have negative repercussions right now, but part of me is predicting that the next goal might be to 'learn to be a calmer, quieter person.'

ov'r n' out,

Chomps

Burberry Acid de Toilette

2011-01-12T06:51:00.001-08:00

Did you guys know you're supposed to throw your perfume out after a year?

I wonder if I've been poisoning myself...

How risqué.

In the spirit of pack-ratting...

2010-12-21T06:33:00.000-08:00

I can't think of the name of her youtube channel but a few months ago I was watching this girl in her bedroom try to give away used makeup. Forgive me - 'gently' used makeup. For whatever reason she has a big enough following that it's actually a successful endeavour and people seem to like her more for it.

Thought I'd give it a shot.

Chomps' Four Days Left Til Christmas Giveaway:

1. an Ikea Poang armchair that seems to collect more cat hair than it does the bums of visitors. I'm not going to vacuum it for you, either. As fuckin' is, friends.

2. a mattress that will manage to stab you in both your oblique muscles as well as your shoulders. Also occasionally your calves depending on whether or not you remember to sleep in an 'S' position.

3. a Yoga Booty Ballet DVD that I can't bring myself to watch anymore. It came with a ball to put between your legs when you're doing crunches but I can't find it.

4. Some cables that have come with us from apartment to apartment that are hook-ups for the television set and internet. Varied sizes because our outlets are always different distances away from the necessary electronics.

5. Forty different paint rollers. Some are used and washed, some are just because I guess I used to like collecting shit that could potentially be given away or sent to the landfill later.

6. Two bags of Holistic Blend cat treats that are opened but still remain uneaten. I'm pretty sure they taste awful, my cats will eat insects before they show interest in those things. With flavours like "Dusty Whitefish" and "Musty Ground Beef" I'm not sure what their problem is.

You want what I got? first to comment gets it all. Second to comment gets to take it from the first commenter if they're the victor in a fisticuffs battle.

Happy Holidays!

poop smell stuck in the nose hairs of life

2010-12-14T16:34:00.001-08:00

Would you ever eat all the toppings that you usually put on pizza together in a bowl and eat it with a fork? I wouldn't. How about on toast? Maybe I would.
When you say something funny that you thought of and made some people laugh, but then one of them always says "where's that from?" like they're pretty sure you just re-used a line from a television show but you didn't even, does that mean the person is just trying to soothe themselves for being boring and awful?
If something is small but there are no bigger things next to it or around it of the same kind, those small things are just the things that they are. Except penises.
The most disgusting fruit is a cherry.

This is the best example I could find of those commercials that freak me out. The actors aren't speaking but you know what I mean.

hey

2010-12-10T07:01:00.000-08:00

Just as a point of interest, any and all advertisements where people's voices and faces change abruptly but leave behind the hairstyle or eyeballs or nose of the previous actor creep the shit out of me.

Does that make any sense? It's freakish.

I am drinking a gin and tonic and eating a sandwich..

2010-11-02T15:55:00.000-07:00

Can't talk, November's shit. Will come back when shit is no longer shitty.

Have plans to reconstruct and rebuild some things. Sorta like how the Bible said Jesus would do to himself. Except not spiritually at all and only to look hotter and feel better. Actually not at all like the Bible said Jesus would do. Fuck that.

Love!

Chomps

Zach Galhifuckinglarious

2010-10-18T20:43:00.000-07:00

This will also be the ammunition I need to convince Kody that we need a French Bulldog.

Two birds getting stoned at once...er' somethin.

discombobulation

2010-10-12T09:30:00.001-07:00

Going through life in this foreign, sort of haphazard way hasn't been bringing me much luck lately.

I kind of just do what needs to be done and don't aspire for much else. It's boring. It's temporary.

It had better be over before next month because we all know November is no time to be starting anew. You'll end up shivering from the chill of your own tear-stained face, wishing you had read the pamphlet on Seasonal Affective Disorder in university when they were trying to talk you out of killing yourself before you first semester Psych exam. I'm not speaking from experience, I just imagine that's how I'd feel if i hadn't dropped first semester Psychology.

A customer at work yesterday was riffing back and forth with me about one thing or another and he said something about 'having the power to change that.' He was referring to my financial situation, my work situation. My life situation. It's not that he's wrong or that his advice isn't somewhat comforting, but can we just take a second to HATE on somebody's blatant optimism when they're obviously talking to somebody who hasn't got any? Shit.

If I take an honest look at it, I've got everything I need. There isn't a fiber in me that wishes she had more contemporary art hanging on the wall or a larger obscure music collection. I know that really titillates some other advanced species of human but I'm ok with a cheese pizza and a Zac Efron movie. I'm basically a great ape, I know.

So what do you think it is that makes me feel like something's missing? If nobody really knows why we're here, and if us BEING here is really counterproductive and abusive to the planet we live on ANYway, is this my mind's way of whispering 'Chelsea, life would be funner if you were an avocado tree.'

LISTEN, SELF! I can't BE an avocado tree!

I just can't. Plus I don't even like avocados. They're too mushy.

eff words!

2010-08-26T18:14:00.000-07:00

So, I bought the new Katy Perry cd today.

This unhealthy interest in another woman will get the better of me when I eventually start following her in Los Angeles dressed as a peppermint ballerina.

This song is so EFFING catchy I could scream. It's your run of the mill break-up, I dated a teenage drug addict, please still play my music at the club, kinda track. She sounds like the singer from Heart in the beginning. It's the new Barracuda!

I don't care if you hate it, I only care if you love it.

culture vs. pure torture

2010-08-04T06:50:00.000-07:00

Though it doesn't take too much for me to blab on and on about Kodes, it's a real situation when I look at his work. You don't wanna be around me. I'm like a mother at a tiny tots beauty pageant. My sense of pride accompanied by my sense to drive him on becomes hazardous to other people's health.

without further ado:
http://krankypooters.blogspot.com

the latest ones he's drawn are comedic portraits of his friends. I swear to Ganesh he's gonna be somebody some day.

I'm in St. Catharines til' Friday soaking up some humidity and scratching my godforsaken mosquito bites. They're confined only to my feet. It's the worst. Just those two things are. Being here's wonderful; having five minutes to write a blog, listening to CBC radio, running errands with my Ma, eating my weight in barbecued whatever-my-Dad-makes-us. I get to hang my laundry on a clothesline. Do you know how blissful that small little shift in my domestic situation has made me?

There's a little alarm somewhere near my stomach that's reminding me of how slightly selfish this all is. That life doesn't stop just because I took a train an hour and a half away. That friends still need support, loose ends need to get tied up, bills need to get paid. But for now I kind of have to drive the responsibility car with my careless head out the window, because if I don't I won't come down from the last year of my life. It's only five days. One should be allowed that.

The other day someone said that I shouldn't "give them this 'poor me' bullshit". I am still taking some offense to it, but I won't delve into specifics.

GENERALLY speaking: I know a bunch of us are at a place where we have made some pretty big decisions in the past half-decade. I can look down the list of friends that I link to on my page and state pretty confidently that there were and are STILL some things happening in our lives that have brought us from one headspace to another entirely. I just wanted to take the opportunity to say that having some regrets about things NEEDS to be okay. Feeling some controlled but non-obnoxious self-pity needs to be okay too. We can't forgive ourselves for what we consider to be errors in judgment if we never approach it with some kind of sympathetic energy.

It's not bullshit. What we feel when we're alone and looking back on things and wishing maybe they'd gone a bit differently isn't something to pass off as weakness. I might add that it doesn't mean we think our problems are big/bigger/biggest. It doesn't mean that anyone thinks what they're going through is the singular most pathetic thing to happen in the history of the world. People who FEEL aren't lost on perspective.

yeah. so there's that.

how do you 'out-pixar' Pixar?

2010-07-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

Kodes and I caught Despicable Me tonight at Yorkdale.

I laughed, I cried, I wanted Gru to adopt me.

The youngest sister reminds me a lot of what Boo from Monsters Inc. would look like if she were five years old now.

I love cartoons, man.

We leave for Montreal next month. Kody and I haven't been on a vacation alone ever. This will be interesting. We made this pact that our bickering matches won't go for more than 2 minutes because one of us will insist on ending it, in order to enjoy as many precious moments of not worrying about shit that doesn't matter. In theory this is the best idea we've ever had. In practice we will probably bicker a lot and then see a baby or a small dog and go back to normal again.

In other news I have my hands on a certain book that I shouldn't have my hands on. It's kind of like having a hot tv or stereo system but it's also nothing like it.

I'm actually boring myself. Night!

bang! pregnant. bang! pregnant.

2010-07-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

All Dressed chips have enough vital nutrients to get me through most evenings, right?

maybe a red plum here and there with a heaping spoonful (or forty) of ice cream?

THIS HEAT MAKES ME CARE LESS ABOUT MY WELL-BEING AND MORE ABOUT JUST SHOVING FOOD IN MY GOB.

laundry's going downstairs, the Office is on, the cats are sufficiently rubbed down with wet wash-cloths. life is unbearably sweaty.

I partially applied to Ryerson today. Might take some part time stuff. I have half a degree in something I care very little about and I intend to partake in some sort of university education that actually intrigues me so that I can finish what I started ever so half-assedly before I was old enough to know better. haha! ooooh, Brock. I remember it like it was a drunken, sweaty yesterday.

Kody has this best friend who's living in South Korea, and though I rarely form female relationships that don't make me roll my eyes every five minutes, she's one of the exceptions. I know that's misogynistic. I'm ok with it.

Anyway, two nights ago we were having a laughy laugh over this.

Some of these comedies over the last three years have been really friggen good. People don't always give the Apatow crew a lot of kudos but I seriously, SERIOUSLY dig them. Except Jason Segel is atrocious in How I Met Your Mother. Just unforgivably awful. I mean, I'd still sleep with him, but not as his HIMYM character. That's gross.

items

2010-06-17T20:59:00.001-07:00

When Kody says 'let's put your dresser together' or 'let's build this shelf' he's only referring to himself doing it. I like that about Kody. He makes us appear as a team even when he's completely on his own because I'd rather poke myself in the eye than wrestle with those fugging Allen keys.

When those weirdo Asian porn sites automatically comment on my blog posts I don't like it very much at all. I haven't got a DAMN thing against porn in any variety (though I veer from zoophilia and most of the kinds that end up on Law and Order: SVU), but it's growing to be a bit tiresome deleting their lines upon lines of hyperlink to buttholes and other orifices.

One of the cats is puking once a week. The other one will look me straight in the eyes as she stands in the litter box and takes a mid-air whizzer all over the wall behind it. I hate them both once in a while. I love them both much more often. It's a problem. I don't think either of them are sick, I think they're just brats who know their Mom will clean shit up. Luckily it's not 'proper' shit.

Anyway, life's generally good.

arglebargle

2010-05-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

Lord have mercy, there is simply nothing in this world that is quite as painful as a pizza cheese burn on the roof of your godforsaken mouth.

I don't even know how the sonofabitch is going to heal because if I'm honest it feels like it might actually be getting BIGGER. It's making me ORNERY.

For seconders, there's a woman that's somehow finding her way onto every other subway car I ride on a weekly basis. She's not the type of woman you even WANT to ride with. She doesn't look at you jealously or ask you where you got your adorable shoes from. Her bags are full of what smells like urine that she's collected from the Bloor station bathroom floor, and she darts from behind things when I least expect it and startles me smelling of pee.

I feel really awful that I have to move down the car aWAY from her, but it's getting ridiculous. I've ridden with her three times in the past month. Maybe she's my spirit guide?

That'd be a fucking challenge of Homeric proportions, no? How do I even get close enough to find out what my task is?

The news just told me that bottled water is rampant with bacteria. MAYBE THAT'S WHY MY MOUTH BURN WON'T HEAL!

-RumpleChompskin (because he was old and grumpy and demanding)

"I had a cold and I took all of my antibiotics at the same time and forgot how to leave."

2010-05-10T20:22:00.001-07:00

Nearly peed my pants twice today.

Reasons why:

1) Kody was playing a game tonight with the subway as it was leaving St. Clair West station, wherein he begged our friend Matt and I to "dare" him to graze the moving cars with his fingertips. I freak out in these situations so was about to yank him away just in case something caught his messenger bag strap or an abnormally long/strong stray hair on his head that would drag him into the tunnel to an obvious certain death. He's a massive chicken so there was no chance he was even near it, but an operator in the fourth-to-last car saw him being a dink and he swung both of his arms out of his little booth and screamed "BOO!" at Kodes just as they were picking up speed.

Seriously, best moment. Like, best. Kody jumped about two feet and the train drove off with this young operator guy cackling like a villain from the wild west. I proceeded to laugh HEARTily.

2) drank too much coffee.

Hope all y'all are good. Internship's over soon. Soon to be poverty-stricken and ready for Canada's Got Talent (or a reasonable facsimile) to give me a chance to show how fast I can type on live television.

Chomps

He didn't really kick that much. He bled a lot though.

2010-04-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

Went and saw Kick-Ass tonight.

This is the beginning of my review.

It was great. Aaron Perry Johnson is the kind of young man I could really sink my teeth into. If he wasn't engaged and having a child with the fifty-year-old director of a movie he previously made. Having said that, the vomit in my mouth would be hard to swallow back down if it weren't for the fact that I feel like I should be encouraging myself to lose 25 pounds, fly to England, find him, tranquilize him and bring him back to Canada as my well removed cousin who foggily remembers a budding life of stardom and some blonde woman who got him into Sundance that may or may not be pregnant with his seed.

Sooooo....that aside. I started reading Kick-Ass when it was released a couple years ago, but Kodes stopped bringing them home after about four issues. This movie measured up pretty sweetly in the first 25 minutes that I can also recall reading. A couple of lazy slips (a Canadian flag here, a King West condo office there) made the New York City setting pretty unbelievable, but I think the bloodshed and weaponry made up for it in almost every way.

I don't actually know how to review movies. The main guy who played Dave was sexy. Nicolas Cage still sucks at his job. There were a lot of guns and a little girl says the c-word.

Go see it.

Wild Chomps Moan

2010-04-02T06:26:00.001-07:00

There is no end to this virus from the seventh circle of booger hell.

My new strategy for getting enough sleep is going to bed before sunset so that I can wake up every four hours and take an Advil to dull the pain my throat. You know that cry that Lucille Ball would do every time Ricky caught her with some 'splaining to do? I woke up at 3 in the morning today making that noise. Poor Kody. I'm wailing and coughing and choking and... am basically a sputtering puddle of disease that boils over once my cough suppressant wears off. So, SO attractive.

I CAN'T ENJOY EASTER IF I CAN'T TASTE THE CHOCOLATE, GODDAMNIT.

Have mercy on me, Jeebus.

there once was a time when Sisqo was an 'actor'.

2010-03-19T20:00:00.001-07:00

Worst movies of my teenagehood that I used to think were brilliant:

1. A Walk To Remember
2. Titanic
3. Armageddon
4. anything with Drew Barrymore
5. Legally Blonde

I found a new grey hair this week. I find small comforts in it not only because it means I'm growing up, but also because based on those listed preferences there's some biological evidence that I'm less of a twit.

falling victim to the March 'heatwave' fake-out

2010-03-08T15:56:00.000-08:00

So I saw some jerk wearing shorts this weekend and I felt like I needed to at least meet him halfway and come out of hiding to speak my obnoxious mind a bit more frequently.

Don't let the uncharacteristically tepid disposition of the outdoors fool you, you're still entitled to your winter-induced depression. The rhythm of suckitude to which our hearts beat (read: baDUM-baDUMPITY dum DUUUUUM) can carry forward for at least another 13 days.

But if it's all the same and you'd rather not be such a crumbum, run outside and just fill your mouth with the freshness of that earth that's been hiding underneath the snowdrifts for what's seemed like a minor eternity. Take a big handful of that dirt that replenishes your filthy city with flora, fauna, pollinating honeybees and fornicating urban species, and shove it in your gob.

Tastes like shit, doesn't it. Toldja it was too soon to get your hopes up.

Happy Soon-to-be Spring, Everyone!

Chomps

true speak.

2010-02-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

It's easy to be offensive. It's easy to make people uncomfortable. And it's petty and mean to get laughs at the expense of people who actually are laughed at and teased all the time, and then pass it off as edgy social commentary. - Mary Elizabeth Williams

"Enzo, you're SO basic."

2010-02-06T10:13:00.000-08:00

Yo, remember ReBoot?

Long before there were Bratz - THOSE bitches are an ire-filled post for another day - before they decided the Rug Rats as tweens would still be likable and not intensely disappointing, which was indeed the sad reality, there was a Canadian show which aired on YTV that used to blow my friggen mind.

Seriously, I barely even know how to turn my computer on, but once they dove into the gritty underbelly that was Mainframe and those diaBOLical 'games' were upon them, I couldn't even step away to empty my 11-year-old sized bladder. One time my dad and I went to Playdium and rode the ReBoot ride and I cried when the ride was over because I wanted my mortal life to end and my CGI life to begin. Avatar? More like LAVa..tory. Yeah, I said it.

Who can deny the raw sex appeal that was this sprite-rescuing, hover-board riding RENEGADE?

Bob. Not the Builder. That guy can't fix shit.
The Guardian. He's basically Brad Pitt dipped in the rainbow and covered in computery liquefied Alex Mack glaze.

That show ruled.

courageously hiding behind infrequently experimented hypotheses

2010-02-01T19:04:00.000-08:00

Oh, Hi!

Contrary to my curmudgeonly linear persona, in the flesh I'm fairly agreeable, somewhat personable and all around fun-loving.

HOWever.

There are a few uh, provisos. A couple of quid pro quo.

This is not written because I assume some sort of omnipotent, self-important role. This is a list of things that I hope most people in their right minds adhere to when meeting new folks who they want to a) be friends with, or b) befriend and then date their prettier sibling/bestie/recently divorced mother. As always, I do not claim to have never done these things. Only that they are ineffective, irritating and worth shedding some light on.

How to Make a Bad First Impression:

Assume familiarity by using terms of endearment like 'honey' and 'sweetie'. 'Sweetheart' also falls into this category depending on how condescending your tone of voice is. The exception to this rule is if it is expressed with sincerity and not a whiny squawk. The exception does NOT necessarily include people who are older than you, regardless of how ancient they claim to be or how white their hair is. Especially servers. Cut it out, Fran.

Try to convince me that a reality show you've been watching is riveting, funny, enjoyable, or even worth a sentence in a conversation that's probably already strained. This is not a direct judgment on those who choose to watch reality television. I've been known to chat up fellow fans of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'. It IS a judgment of people who speak of them without invitation or without any other social cue that their 'new friend' even enjoys the same mindless fodder.

Say things like 'I'm not going to lie' (or ANY variation of this, including 'not gonna lie', 'nah gan lah', etc.) or an equally annoying popular phrase which would not only be redundant but also imply that someone would care that you had a propensity to veer from the truth when admitting to something which is probably going to be unequivocally boring anyway. An example of this: "sweetie, I'm not gonna lie, I just canNOT get enough of the Bachelor this season." Vomitacious.

This one doesn't need to be stated but I feel like I need to cater to the lowest common denominator if I'm really going to reach out and help someone tonight. Keep your friggen' foot out of your mouth. Don't comment on how you 'would just die if you couldn't eat cheese' to a vegan. Don't talk about how comic books are for losers to somebody who might have grown up wishing that they were Spider-Man. In fact, if you find that you're somewhat incapable of keeping your offensive biases to yourself, do these four things:

1. enter the nearest convenience store
2. purchase microwave popcorn (with extra butter for those of you who simply can't lie about how much they love it)
3. say 'thank-you, honey' to the clerk.
4. microwave your snack, turn on The Hills and never try to make any more friends.

Yours,
Chomptholomew

"is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?"

2010-01-28T19:46:00.000-08:00

yo yo yiggidy yooooo.

Tricky, myself and some much beloved friends and acquaintances will be at the Wreck Room tomorrow night. In case you're wondering what I'll be wearing you can either a) come out and shred the gnar or b) go here.

28 days into 2010, and my fair city has spawned 14 pedestrian deaths by drivers on those unpredictable rush hour streets. Over a quarter of the total number of pedestrian deaths in 2009. We're one month in, people. I see no reason to make this some sort of record-breaking statistic when we not only learn how to cross the road as five-year-olds, but are also LICENSED (read: trained and tested) to be behind the wheel. Be the eff careful. Preserve thine life.

Just in case you didn't think you were accountable as a foot-a-tarian.
Also, if you like jail-bait cheer leading squads, or relationships with your gay boyfriend gone sour, you're going to enjoy this.

Just to recap: cheap drinks tomorrow, don't leap into traffic, watch Glee, and I love you.

Forever.

a friendly suggestion: http://www.msf.ca/donate

2010-01-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

I can't comment on whether some of this CBC news coverage is sensationalism or whether it's necessary.

There's this really huge urge to inform myself, to see it all and feel as much as I can because tomorrow I'll wake up and be miserable about having to take the stupid subway to stupid work where people will irritate me and e-mail server will malfunction in some way and OH WOE IS ME. You fail to appreciate the bliss that is your own ignorance. Obviously. Welcome to la-la land.

These people went from having 'nothing' to having less than that. They barely have each other, because in times like these who knows what forces take hold of you when you're desperate to survive. I don't know enough about the armed forces, but this all begs a huge question. Partly because of those ridiculous ads the Canadian military puts on TV. If people are in a particular line of work which qualifies them for emergency rescue, for the preservation of others, for the protection of the vulnerable - why the shit don't I see them on the news with shovels and masks?

It's just like the more fortunate masses to invest their time brainstorming how to make a bigger, better, more economically successful version of Haiti when these devastated people have no schema for 'transformation' right now. Maybe 'bury our dead', or 'find the missing' could be added to the fucking agenda.

Let's talk about what it's going to take to rebuild a city when a large fraction of the people who used to occupy it are crushed under rubble. Commerce and job opportunities and buildings which are made with seismic activity in mind would've been really helpful beforehand, though.

Afterthoughts. Worth about as much as this blog.

a freckle on the nose of life's complexion

2010-01-10T12:55:00.001-08:00

10 days into the first (what-I-like-to-call) "decuadorial section of the aughts", and I'm riveted to see what she's got to offer me.

no, that's not a word.

To increase and perpetuate our state of nesting, we bought the dum-dums a cat condo. Shockingly hasn't been used without some sort of force on our parts. It's only been two days though.

Working every day of the week is granting me privilege but also giving me wrinkles. I think this includes the ones that are just part of your personality. Like, yeah they're on my face...but also on my SOUL. Not even wisdom related ones. It's ok though, because the privilege part means I have somewhat of a social life wherein I can buy myself AND another person a beer or two. IMAGINE?!

The internship is solid in that my brain is exercised on a constant basis. It's void of people staring at their BlackBerrys while they order a coffee, it's full of ways and reasons to use what's inside my cranium.

Even if I don't come away from it with the original goal I set, I know I'm growing up and getting better at being analytical and sensitive and ...knowledgeable. Fuckin' knowledge.

It gets me every time.

Get in the stroller, Wolfie!

2009-12-31T08:04:00.001-08:00

my only New Year's Resolution that I intend on holding fast to is to fornicate more.

here, watch this:

my only other NYR is to never be that woman. The character. Obviously I'd love to be Maggie Gyllenhaal.

put it behind you, sit on it, and make it say "Uncle"

2009-12-24T15:36:00.000-08:00

Though I appreciate it for granting us so many pardons by the ones we have scorned over the years, I'd like to take this opportunity to wag my finger at the holiday which fastly approaches for making me feel so warm, fuzzy, and willing to forgive.

For once I'd like to implement a long-term grudge policy on somebody's head. Just one time, from whenever, until I'm in an urn somewhere. What is it about gifts and snow and hot chocolate that makes us want to let bygones be?

Out with it, I say. Up with the silent treatment. Up with making someone work for the absolution of their transgressions.

just kidding.

Auld Lang Syne er' whatever.

Merry Christmas, a Joyous Saturnalia and Happy Channukah.

PS. I'll be a quarter-century old in less than a week. If you're from St. Catharines and you wanna join me on my bday, I'd love to partake in some kind of cheerful experience with you. If not, I'll see you in hell, reader!

alt-zo

2009-12-17T17:17:00.000-08:00

add Neo Citran to that list.

A Few of my Favourite Things

2009-12-15T17:50:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired I actually just tried to type the title of this blog into the google search bar. As if it would give me the bulk of what I was then going to blog about.

I'm so tired I don't even have the energy to tell you what I was going to tell you.

In summation:

the home-made moccasins that Kody made me in Nova Scotia this fall.
the stockings that are hung by our chimney with care, but not so much care that they seem pretentious.
the Christmas card from Korea that Morgan sent Kody, mostly because the illustration on the front is of little Korean boys mooning each other. It's what Jesus would've wanted.
Scrubs! The ninth season is absolute crap and I love it.
the ever adorable Maru

or dog grooming, or Tetris, or Feng Shui, or making model cars

2009-12-12T06:38:00.001-08:00

It's really not the time of year for pride or hostility...but someone said something to me last week and it not only made me upset, but has put yet another ding in the passenger side-door of the already lemony automobile I call "how Chelsea determines whether people are inherently good or self-serving wastes of oxygen." The damage to this vehicle is extensive, made no better by the incessant whacking of jackasses with whatever bat they feel to be their appropriate and topical agenda.

There is never, and let me make this clear - NEVER - a good time to try to tell someone you think their lifestyle pales in comparison to your own. This includes all manners of evangelism, persuasive essays via conversation, or backpedaling after you've blatantly insulted someone by saying 'but that's just my opinion.'

Before you say 'Chels, Chels, you're shitting me if you're saying you've never done this.' Let's take the DeLorean back about 4 minutes before I typed the preceding paragraph. I know. I know that I have done this. I also know it 'might' be alright to tell a loved one that perhaps life would be better without crack cocaine. Or that getting a job might be better than exhausting the people who financially support you. Indulge me momentarily.

Whoever you are, whatever it is you choose to do with your time (no, I don't mean pulling cat's tails, or violating the innocent and vulnerable) you probably have chosen to do so because to do what one enjoys is probably the most palatable way to pass one's time. To pass one's time doing what someone else has determined to be enjoyable is probably not as palatable, and thus you do not DO that THING. Pretty easy concept. This does include but is not necessarily limited to your place of employment, your hobbies, your friends, and the things you choose to spend your money on. Nobody should be able to tell you that what they experience in their daily life is better. Or that a step in a different direction will take you from what someone else considers to be mundane into a tunnel lit with paranormal and extraordinary feelings and experiences that only someone ELSE could have imagined for you.

We need to learn to let other people be who they are without snide interjections or brief eyebrow elevation that implies our disapproval because the shit we have going on in our own lives is better 'for the following reasons.' I can tell you, it isn't. If it were better, I'd be doing it because it too would be something I enjoy.

So if you like scrapbooking, or going to Bible/Torah/Koran/Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy study, making films or watching them, reading (literature, blogs, magazines, erotica), taking care of other people, watching grass grow, watching television, picking your nose, picking someone else's nose, vacuuming, teaching, loving, sitting, walking, or running, go ahead and fucking do it. Why shouldn't you?

Of course have opinions, of course spark debate, of course be willing to not see eye to eye and be open to what you don't understand, but never ever take a dastardly step in the direction (or the implication!) of 'you should do this instead, because what you do is boring.'

This is the new me, and all it took was a few years of being an asshole to figure it out. Join me on this journey, because what you were doing with your time before wasn't nearly as exciting.

"you're a fuckin' sssponge-head."

2009-11-28T12:39:00.000-08:00

What with my new head of half-shaved half-coiffed hair, Tricky, Matt, Tiff and myself headed out to an establishment with both class and a fair bit of character.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Annex Wreck Room.

Before going in we were at the pizzapizza on the corner giving our stomachs something to absorb alcohol with, when a disgruntled woman came in asking to use the washroom.

The woman behind the counter made some mistakes dealing with this situation in that she denied the woman access to the toity, and also LIED about the toity being cleaned. You work at Bathurst and Bloor, you're wasting your time denying drunk people access to the facilities. They're going to piss on your back entrance stoop instead.

Anyway, one obnoxious thing leads to another and maybe I suggested to this woman that if she felt it was 'illegal' to not have access to the washroom, she should call the cops herself. Also, the reception's better outside, so probably leave. Read: you're embarrassing yourself. Get. Out.

Drunk and possibly high from the frivolity of her monthly coven gathering, irritated by my smart-assedness, her eyes became fixed on me and she cursed my life. Seriously, I quote:

"I hope something really awful happens to you. I curse you!"

May I never be dragged to hell.

because they're ROOTED.

2009-11-08T12:23:00.000-08:00

Feel like I've got no way to gauge the stability of the knots that I've tied. Shit's unraveling and floating away.

Sometimes what i perceive to be a closeness is only coming from one direction (mine), and that's truly one of the most uncomfortable places to be. Lord help me when I assume some sort of unspoken intimacy (in terms of trust and comfort) and I find out that I was WAY off the mark. Expectations are so dangerous even in situations where you once felt like being yourself was 'enough'.

"You don't know what you don't know."

I hear that a lot lately, and yeah...apart from its linguistic redundancy it's factual. But what really seems to ring true for me is that I don't know what I think I know.

Age plays a part. It's got to. Who I was amongst friends five years ago is certainly not who I am amongst them now, and though I know some acceptance is absolute, I do wonder how to peg off the ones it doesn't apply to. It's all so painful when the pegging off is done for me. I don't want people to go. But they do. Maybe it was me and maybe it wasn't but impermanence is SO sucky. Sucky's a really stupid word but it fits.

Is it that I haven't spent enough time with heterosexual males and therefore don't have any idea how that world works anymore? I'm not comfortable saying that it should matter at all...but DOES it?

I'm not ready to let some of those 'ships' - friend or relation or companion- sink because there's so much more I want to learn about the people I genuinely feel for, and it's really upsetting me that this proverbial rope is fraying or dwindling or about to snap or SOMETHING that happens when individuals head in different directions all the while ignoring that the hub they're attached to is based on this simple, EASY thing. It's so easy to care about people. Why does everything else have to get in the way?

How did I get to a stage in my life where I've really become this clueless? Practicing cynicism has definitely contributed, and THAT'S supposed to have the opposite result. You raise your eyebrow and you question most things and that's how you see the margarine disguising itself as butter. RIGHT? I've been duped, it seems.

Anyway, this weekend has been gorgeous and if I could just make friends with trees all of this heart ache would dissipate.

I'm sure of that.

cardboard rollerblades and welding goggles

2009-10-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Glorious Tuesdays which follow much beloved holiday Mondays.

You think you can set your sights high because you don't have to endure a "somebody's got a case of..." situation. Arriving to work on a Tuesday ensures you avoid that bad tasting beginning.

Truth is, the beginning to any week unless it starts with an orgasm, monetary gift, new puppy or pair of shoes is generally crapulent regardless of its prefix.

Mine did not start with any of those. It damn well better end with one, though.

Preferably a puppy.

I know the crap out of women.

2009-09-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

Not much to report. Have gone from being absolutely flat broke to being able to pay both rent AND bills in the same pay cheque. mindBLASTING.

The family across our alleyway never stops
a)yelling
b)crying
c)smashing things
d)all of the above

If you chose d, you probably have neighbours just like them.

Clothing Show today, where Eric, Ken and Andrew are selling their wares and are most likely the hottest young entrepreneurs in the building. I'm on the look out for a pair of boots. Also, some sort of blouse.

so long, free Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

2009-09-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

Here's to turning over a new leaf, getting a new job, being all that I can be, and paying for my coffee. The last one's going to suck.

I don't anticipate this to be well received...

2009-08-28T20:24:00.001-07:00

Addiction doesn't discriminate based on social class, and I would never presume to know anything about a person's inner demons, but it's not fucking glamorous.

It gets under my skin that people start throwing 'r.i.p.'s' around like this loss is any different than the potential loss of the people we see roaming around Toronto suffering from the same illness(es). Next time you have an uncomfortable moment with someone in a sketchier part of town, and you complain about them being a crack head, remember the extent to which you acknowledged Adam Goldstein in his death.

Redundant; Are You?

2009-08-10T14:14:00.000-07:00

Nova Scotia was grandtastacupendous. Not only did we manage to come back to a garbage-free Toronto, but I had my first real trip on an airplane, my first real hysterical in-sky attack due to some pressure-related issue in my right ear AAAAND Porter Airlines serves all the Stella Artois you could ever drink. If the turbulence doesn't cause you to spray it all over your overhead compartment as well as the passengers directly in front of you.

I'm only posting one photo - it's quite honestly the most horrific version of myself that I've ever seen but it needs to be done.

It was really lovely to feel sort of insignificant in comparison to the life that subsisted all around Kody's father's cottage without us bothersome lumbering homo sapiens disrupting them. Mind you, grandmaster KP DID manage to hit a large rabbit with a rather BOTHERSOME, LUMBERING arrow. Fear not, for it bounced off the bunny's leg, giving it 'no more than a charlie horse.' This, coming from two men who wanted to eat it for dinner. Reeeeaaal convincing. It got away.

Back to my original point though; this cottage is essentially surrounded by forest in West Dalhousie. All manner of beasts omnivorous and carnivorous reside there, though I'm sure I only saw hummingbirds, that one unfortunate rabbit and mosquitoes. Bear scat seemed to be an exciting find on Kodes' and his dad's nature hikes.

Admittedly I didn't partake in too many of them, save for the one search for snowshoe saplings, where I trailed just far enough behind to be absolutely sure I'd never get out of that brush alive if I ever ventured off by myself. His property lends itself more to the type of hiker that wants to make their own trail...hacking at the five foot ferns with whatever device is handy. Give me a dirty path with some roots and rocks, maybe a log or two to hop on...but this sister ain't into walking on top of bunny holes and/or being that dunce who gets the WHOMP! end of a branch that the hiker ahead has unknowingly prepared for me in a crack-the-whip kinda way.

What was also mind-blowingly beautiful were the night skies. Kodes and I sat on the back porch every evening listening to bull frogs, just looking up. Nature's got it pretty good, over there. Makes me feel that much worse for the state of the city I live in.

Tick season also kept me inside when the three P's were out fishing in the canoe. I DO enjoy fishing, canoes, AND lakes..but this time off really warranted me the opportunity to do a lot of thinking by myself in a new space. Being sort of a fourth wheel in a family expedition I also wanted to grant myself AND KP's family some alone time. Plus, like I said: ticks. I'm a wuss, fair 'nuff.

I DID enjoy my fair share of air, sea, and sun when we would go on trips into the surrounding towns. My favourite was definitely Lunenburg. If I ever won the 649 and someone in that town wanted to sell me their brightly painted, well maintained, shoreline store/house/restaurant, I'd be pretty hard-pressed to say no.

Now I'm back to steaming milk, and smelling of a roastery. Perhaps it was all a dream.

"of all the days NOT to mess us around sir, this is the one."

2009-07-23T19:04:00.001-07:00

GOD IN HEAVEN

Watching Law and Order UK...obviously bound to be the best version created so far.

This particular episode didn't start with your run of the mill murder and then stranger-who-happens-upon-the-body. A gynecologist (the perp) just attempted to pleasure one of their patients (the vic). SERIOUSLY? seriously. TV is getting RIIIISQUE.

In other news, I've got a cold sore just in time for vacation! weeeeee!

yes please!

2009-07-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

I was riding the Ellen Page train for a long time with blinders on, never fully seeing how one dimensional her character in Juno was til I watched it for about the eighth time. Granted, she's done other stuff and is a talented young woman and does appear to have at least two and a half dimensions going on in this flick.

This trailer has been blessedly composed with the appearance of a LOT of majorly hot babes, very little verbosity, and fucking roller derby. I'll even see it at AMC for 12 bucks, that's how much I'm digging it.

Capricorn:

2009-07-19T04:19:00.000-07:00

The intensity level rises today, but you aren't sure how best to manage your feelings. It may seem as if things have grown out of control, but this is just because you are uncomfortable with the irrational side of your emotions. Unfortunately, you won't be able to just stuff them back into a box. Instead of attempting some form of denial, muster up enough courage to face the unknown head-on.

a) I'm not sure there's even a box big enough for which to stuff them.
b) will this give me the courage?
c) how is it that hangovers are intolerable the first day after, manageable the second, and somehow make a comeback the third? I feel like I've been sleeping in a donkey pen. Kicked, shit on and extremely uncomfortable.

den of thieves, cardboard, and crumpled dress shirts

2009-07-14T17:52:00.000-07:00

Have been feeling sort of uninspired lately. There's an internship coming up that I'm caught between knowing is an exercise in futility but daring to hope for anyway.

Our apartment - cute and appropriate for us as it seemed when still skeletal, is in shambles.

To give you an idea - our bedroom houses all of my summer wardrobe, while the winter clothes are packed in suitcases in our living room closet. about 25% of what I own in the bedroom is strewn EVERYWHERE, another 25 is dirty, and the remaining 50 hangs or is folded in the dresser nervously waiting to join the poorly treated previously described 50%. This garbage pile remains untouched until I self-loathe enough to act on it.

The living room was worse off, in that we had no semblance of organization with too much furniture and still assloads of boxes with that stuff I packed at the old 'mansion' before I sorted through it. Now (and thank God for it) we've got it flowing in accordance with Kody's dream drawing, less one desired area rug. We've downsized from two floors, two bedrooms, two bathrooms, to a place that's about a little bit bigger than our old living room so we're faced with a lot of organizational issues.

Then we have our kitchen. Oooooh, poor, poor kitchen. The area we cook and wash dishes in is surviving incredibly. However, our eat-in area is floor to ceiling with Diamond boxes that are housing all of Kodes' action figures (hesitant to be on display without any barrier between the fur-ladies and the Billy bookcases they're supposed sit on). My computer desk sits in there awkwardly, and I'm debating it's necessity when I could really just chuck my old PC (after I purchase an external hard drive and copy all of my music) and sell that shit on craigslist.

It's no wonder I can't seem to dig deep and find a place of contentment. There are of course those fleeting moments, but I really need a $500.00 Ikea card to make all the wrongs right.

remind you of anyone you dated in high school?

2009-06-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

search as well for this video doubled with the opening to the Littlest Hobo.

Third Rock from the - HOLY HELL!

2009-06-10T07:20:00.000-07:00

how am I only just now realizing how deep-voiced and sexy and handsome Joseph Gordon-Levitt is?

He fell off the face of the earth after 10 Things I hate About You and I haven't caught wind of anything worth watching until now.

2009-06-07T09:18:00.000-07:00

Things I appreciate on Sunday morning:

the pantry in my kitchen that contains about 10 different kinds of coffee.
how little traffic there is screeching down my street, especially in comparison to King West.
Winnie trying to figure out why there's something dangling from her bum and running around in circles before I have to come to her rescue and witness my own potential as a diaper-wielding den mother flash before my very eyes. (a little bit graphic and sort of gross, but there's a lesson to be taken somewhere in there)
Kody being such a sound sleeper that I can finish watching the movie I fell asleep to last night in bed. As an aside - we rented The Promotion and I thought it was adorable.
Having everything I need, and not really fretting too much on all those things I think I want.

Opus Dei? You mean Mary wasn't a virgin?

2009-05-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

Tom Hanks - man of all things Academy Award Nomination/Winning worthy has successfully explained his way through what I hope will be the last of the Robert Langdon movies to grace our fair country's movie theaters. Wasn't that the movie was bad but I just wish we'd put the religious conspiracy crap to rest.

That is to say - it's obviously a sham and anyone who needs a blockbuster film to guide them on the path of questioning should probably not be allowed to vote, either.

I should also add that the idea of Ewan MacGregor violating me in his priestly garb was sort of reason enough to sit through the last half hour all the while having to take a pee. That guy IS sex.

Thank-you, Port Angeles, Washington.

2009-05-21T13:43:00.001-07:00

It really was only a matter of time before this came to fruition. I feel as though I may have willed it to exist and for that I will half-heartedly apologize.

When did young adult life become so tedious that people began lighting each other on fire? Pick up a book and learn SOMEthing, you degenerates. Namely, how aerosol ANYTHING is flammable, and how the warnings on the sides of the cans aren't bullshit. YOU WILL BURN YOUR FACE OFF. And I see here that you have.

Kudos.

dollar drinks at McDonalds? I'm not quite fat enough yet, let's go.

2009-05-19T09:58:00.001-07:00

My yoga partner has become unavailable for unfortunate reasons and I'm debating braving the stretches alone tonight. Last week I got a little bit of first base action from the instructor but maybe it will approach second without the watchful eyes of my friend. I'll have to be careful to tuck my tail bone under properly so as not to suggest the need for assistance.

Our television, telephone and internet is finally hooked up. We've been stealing from 'evanjbraun' since April 27th and now we'll be legit. It also means I don't have to make the phone calls that cost money before 7pm. I guess technically we could've just canceled our internet altogether because Evan hasn't noticed and I don't feel much remorse. The drawbacks to having ethical integrity.

Last night I spent what must have been at least 3 hours watching Oscar acceptance speeches. I have no way to excuse how lame that may sound. It was exTREMEly entertaining. Then carrying on in a forward momentum with the lame-train Kodes and I went to see 17 Again. I shit you not, that movie will be the beginning of Zac Efron's ride to the top. He's lucky to already have more money than I'll ever see in my entire life but he was actually good in this flick. If you can believe it, he was better than Matthew Perry.

Sorry, Chandler.

retro-thpect

2009-05-09T21:27:00.001-07:00

I'm really not very nice when I've been drinking.

I guess I need to balance out my everloving positive attitude somehow.

ha!

KP - but not the one that lives with me.

2009-05-04T18:39:00.001-07:00

I don't care what anyone says. I actually love Katy Perry's music. I guess I should say the music that is written for her to sing, but I digress.

Before the radio played her songs ad nauseam and she sort of became so full of herself that she thought she could call out Lily Allen, she had something to offer. I've never spent money on her mixed music and I think her acoustic sets will always outweigh anything she's ever performed in one of those big stage shows.

She came from humble beginnings and her overtly Christian parents think she' s a trollop, but she's young and fresh and I feel like whatever it is she's gone through or is going through(the obvious exception being the whole 'kissing girls as some lame attempt to impress men') I feel like I can relate. Again, knowing that she's at most co-wrote some of the tracks, she sings them like she owns them and she's fucking hot.

Except for her wardrobe. Lord a'mighty she's got that all wrong.

I could unpack or...

2009-05-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

1) What author do you own the most books by?

I think JK Rowling? Or does the great Hizzly Pizzler count. Also I have a shit ton of Beatrix Potter and Dr. Seuss.

2) What book do you own the most copies of?

I think I have two copies of Alice in Wonderland.

3) Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?

Not entirely. I've reread them both too many times though and it's starting to bother me just on the basis of repetition.

4) What fictional character are you secretly in love with?

Ron Weasley. This isn't going to be wizard themed, I promise. He's a lot more interesting in the books than he's ever been on screen. Also, the man that Delilah marries in The Red Tent seemed absolutely wonderful.

5) What book have you read the most times in your life?

I've read all of my David Sedaris books more than once but it's been so long since I've had time to sit and enjoy a book (never mind since I've chosen one over the internet) that I don't think I can recall any others.

6) What was your favorite book when you were ten years old?

Harriet the Spy. My Mom also bought me Little Women and The Little Princess around that time, which I ate right up.

7) What i s the worst book you’ve read in the past year?

Rant, by Chuck Palahniuk. Not because it's terribly written but because I can't finish it and I swear there's only a chapter or two left.

8 ) What is the best book you’ve read in the past year?

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. The graphic novel my cousins bought for me about Bigfoot takes a close second.

9) If you could force everyone you tagged to read one book, what would it be?

Any female who wants to be reacquainted with womanhood should read The Red Tent. I don't mean men wouldn't enjoy it but I felt powerfully connected to that book for 'feminine reasons'.

10) Who deserves to win the next Nobel Prize for literature?

Somebody dreadful and misogynistic like Christopher Hitchens.

11) What book would you most like to see made into a movie?

I'm not really sure I like it when that happens. It would have to be a book that was so incredible from front to back that even a movie could take parts of it out and it would still be a worthy contender. I think a lot of Gregory Maguire's stuff stands a chance at being fit for the big screen. They already turned Wicked into a musical but I think I would've preferred it as a dark fantasy film.

I sounded really lonely just then.

12) What book would you least like to see made into a movie?

The next fucking book in the Twilight series. No further comment.

13) Describe your weirdest dream involving a writer, book, or literary character?

I've never.

14) What is the most lowbrow book you’ve read as an adult?

Haha, Leah you combined two of Alice Sebold's books in this response. I guess Marley and Me is sort of lowbrow...I'm not really sure it can be called 'intellectually uninspired' ( I had to look up the definition) but it certainly wasn't literary genius regardless of how warm it made my heart.

15) What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?

A Separate Peace. I swear to God I'll have my child switch schools if they attempt to bore the pants off of their students with the most sordid tale of two boys who really just needed to have sex with eachother and get over themselves.

16) What is the most obscure Shakespeare play you’ve seen?

I haven't seen any of them as plays except for Romeo and Juliet...can hardly be called obscure. It was in a pretty obscure theater though.

17) Do you prefer the French or the Russians?

I haven't read any literature from natives of either country. In university there was a lot of German, Greek and English. And that can't even really be classified as lit as much as it is religious history. yawn.

18) Roth or Updike?

who?

19) David Sedaris or Dave Eggers?

I'm a pretty faithful reader of David Sedaris but I haven't had the opportunity to read any Eggers. I dated a guy who was into him so I imagine there's something I'd enjoy about it. Either that or it'll bring back wildly awful memories.

20) Shakespeare, Milton, or Chaucer?

Shakespeare's the only one I've read.

21) Austen or Eliot?

Austen.

22) What is the biggest or most embarrassing gap in your reading?

I haven't read anything by Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf or Oscar Wilde. TREACHEROUS, I know.

I'm really not embarassed about books that I have read or books that I haven't. At some point this year I fully intend to pay my library fees and get back into the habit of even finding out what's great and what's not on my own. 32 dollars is apparently mor daunting than it seems.

23) What is your favorite novel?

I really loved Life of Pi but I'm not sure I know what my favourite novel is.

24) Play?

Evil Dead: The Musical. HA!

25) Poem?

that one by ee cummings that everyone uses on television. Last time I'm pretty sure I saw it was on E.R. or Grey's Anatomy. I don't enjoy reading poetry. I guess from what I've learned in school, Lord Byron was sort of throw-uppy romantic, yet sweet.

26) Essay?

David Sedaris has one and the title escapes me right now, but it's from Me Talk Pretty One Day. It's about his childhood and his experiences with his Resource teacher who had the arduous task of ridding him of his lisp. Along with all of the other boys in his class who would grow up to still have them.

27) Short story?

I can remember one from high school about these two kids who had this crazy ass magical room in their house. It ended in them being eaten by lions. LOVED IT.

28) Work of non-fiction:

Malcolm Gladwell's done some interesting stuff. I haven't finished the Tipping Point yet.

29) Who is your favorite writer?

I don't know.

30) Who is the most overrated writer alive today?

Stephenie Meyer

31) What is your desert island book?

Lord of the Flies. Might as well start the road to insanity off right if I'm stuck deserted on some island anyway.

32) And … what are you reading right now? Rant is still unfinished, The Tipping Point as well (like I mentioned). I've been really meaning to crack open The Time Traveller's Wife but every time I pick it up at the bookstore I remind myself I should just go to the library.

Thursdays with Felines

2009-04-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know if anyone else has ever played fetch with their cat, but for me it's possibly the silliest and yet somehow still heart wrenching experience. We moved on Monday and Agatha has been crying for days. She doesn't want food, she doesn't want to be picked up, she doesn't want to waste any time with petty two-legged fleshy people small talk, she wants her toys. The cry this animal makes when she can't find her toys is unbearably sad.

Last night Kodes found the box I had packed with all of their little mice and she's been racing around the place ever since. However, when she decides to bring me into the picture is where it gets all the more upsetting. Her request is fairly simple: I'll bring it to you, you throw it, and I'll bring it back so you can throw it again. Easy enough for me. I'm but a simple human, I should be able to handle this.

The snag in her plan to play all day makes itself known quickly, because often Aggie forgets to put it where I can see it. She brings the mouse back, this I'm sure of from the look in her eye. That one where she's ready to run but she's not quite sure which hand I've got it in. So, when I can't find it, she just waits. She doesn't try to bring it closer, she doesn't continue to play alone. The crying begins again. She's so disappointed in me.

"Mom," she says. "Mom, this game isn't hard. All you have to do is pick it up and throw it. You were in school for six years to learn how to communicate...what's the problem here?"

It's times like these I wish she took after her simpler sister. "Mom, I know you're throwing that thing right now but I've only eated about sixteen times today and those crunchies aren't going to be eated without my helps. "

it's a good thing I don't have to pack facebook and blogger...and twitter.

2009-04-26T06:05:00.001-07:00

who wants to be right as rain? it's harder when you're on top.

seriously, I gotta shave my legs. This is getting ridiculous.

Also, we won't be in Liberty Village in two more days. We'll be living in what my friends refer to as the 'north'. One would think they'd attach that word to somewhere like "Bobcaygeon", perhaps "Huntsville"...but we're only going to Bathurst and St. Clair West.

Last night Kodes was trying to explain to the shawarma guy that opened his store downstairs and across the parking lot from us that he works at a comic book store. Somehow 'retail' went to 'rain' (obviously something was lost in translation) and rain transformed into 'books' and books into 'library'. oh, multiculturalism.

disseminate, young terpie terps!

2009-04-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

or inseminate. either one.

THIS IS IT, BABY!

Shameless plug

2009-04-04T16:08:00.001-07:00

Kody's sketchblog

Rick Mercer and Kenny Hotz are probably the same person.

2009-03-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

Rebecca (my lovely, beautiful, sisterly cousin) just sent me a link to a Continuing Education workshop in NYC on voice-over acting.

I'm going there in June anyway. It's for one whole month.

I wanna do it.

I haven't got the money, but with a very small possibility that I could find work while I'm there it might be a fruitful experience.

Guess I better get my passport stuff in GEAR.

We found a place on Vaughan Road. I'm counting on KP to give everything the thumbs up so we can breathe easy about the pending homelessness issue.

Peace!

does he love you?

2009-03-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

Someday we will find an apartment. It will make our dreams come true and then slowly disappoint us day by day.

Someday I will have steady income and no debt. It will give me comfort and then once again I'll find something else to worry about, like my child's future or my partner's mental stability. I imagine that is in question at some point in a wife/girlfriend's life.

Someday it will all make sense. And then the world will end.

2009-03-17T20:36:00.000-07:00

have you ever experienced a moment where everything crystallized and the thoughts and intentions of everyone around you, regardless of your familiarity with them became so absolutely clear?

that happened to me tonight. I was so friggen disappointed with it I could've cried. I wish women would be, could be stronger. I wish that we could be proud of our intricacies and perhaps where we differ from the mainstream and we could wear it with chutzpah instead of that oh-so-common face which habitually portrays some degree of discomfort.

I haven't purchased a gossip and/or a cheesy female-geared, quiz-filled, sexually driven yet feigning as empowered magazine in several years. I'm renewing that vow to avoid all fashion magazines (apart from VF which usually has some bitchin' articles) from this evening until I be's dead.

Bought the Oxford Dictionary of Euphemisms today. May have been the best 17 dollars I've ever spent for school related activities. I'll leave you with one that I particularly enjoyed:
"feeding the ducks".

Go on then! Feed them!

Nerdy Graphic Novel Spoiler Alert

2009-03-14T19:29:00.001-07:00

Dear Scott:

Ramona wasn't worth it, anyway. You're too young to cope with the complexities of her nature and she's too complex to cope with a boyfriend so Pilgrimmy.

Serious disappointment, Kayla. High hopes for the final chapter of this.

Going southerly for five days, will be well fed and adequately rested from what has become a four-week-long thorn in my ever aching side.

Am sick of everything, the exceptions being my partner, my cats, my friends and melted cheese. Packing my suitcase and watching Choke tonight over a glass of wine.

Fed Up,
Chomps

..."and how her favourite vegetable is piiiiizzz-aaaa..."

2009-03-08T14:21:00.000-07:00

Two things happened on SNL last night that are worth reviewing.

Number One

I know. I couldn't believe it either.

Number Two

This cast has finally begun to rival those of previous years (long before Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon) and they have enough clout to bring in cameos which actually deliver the funny. I have a lot of faith in what's to come.

Let's not remark on how sad it is that I care this much about a sketch show.

Edit: Sorry to anyone who clicked on these hoping to be taken on a mystical journey into Hilarity-land...I think the Youtube vid has been taken down and I'm not sure if the Hulu clip is still available either.

fark.com - for all of one's newsreel needs which may not necessarily pertain to anything

2009-03-05T13:35:00.002-08:00

The children are our future.

I guess it beats Flaming Tag. I can only imagine the implications of being "It."

Scott Pilgrim the Fifth is now sitting in our toy room. I am a little bit scared to dive into it because I think Kody might have some sort of idea that HE'LL BE THE FIRST TO TURN ITS PAGES. Half of Toronto has read it already anyway but I tend to be much more cautious when it comes to his comic book-slash-graphic-novel-slash-anything-dear-to-his-heart collection. Soon, though.

Gratuitous plug: Go check out the next page of Snakor. Issue 2 is already in production and I'm so proud to say that it looks even better than the first. I also think the writer, Sean Jordan is performing some time this week...hang on while I google it.

Aha - March 8th at the Gladstone.

I'm so congested and stuffed up today that I almost don't want to go view any apartments. But I also do not desire a life of homelessness. Haven't had a day off in at least two weeks and my rally of burning the candle at both ends is coming to a close I fear.

Til' next time,
Chel-snotty

tele-journalism at its finest

2009-02-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

I could be hearing this wrong, but I'm pretty sure that CBC News is discussing what the couple who were lost on the mountain in B.C. (resulting in one woman freezing to death) did WRONG, and are in essence blaming them for the tragic outcome. A death which would have invariably been avoided had the fucking Mounted Police done something about it when they received reports of SMOKE RISING from a snow-covered mountain, in addition to the couple's carved S.O.S. message.

Granted, they skied out of bounds. Granted, there are steps that can be taken in order to ensure that people will know you've gone missing when you don't return.

I think it's fair to say that in an event of even 'supposed' emergency the authorities are required to react. If I called 911 right now, there would be SOME form of rescue vehicle outside my door, regardless of circumstance. The police wouldn't call my mother and verify anything. They wouldn't call my landlord to make sure I paid rent for this month. They'd show up because an emergency phone call necessitates that reaction.

To say (especially after the death of this man's wife) that there were measures that could have been taken in order for them to have avoided their outcome is about as counter-productive as...I dunno, say... some cops dotting their i's and crossing their t's before they investigate a desolate mountain which appears to either a) BE ON FIRE or b)haunted by snow-carving demons who in fact would like to formally request that their souls be saved.

I'm gon' be in the Emergency Room...

2009-02-26T17:50:00.001-08:00

Tricky introduced me to Priscilla Renea, who may be the most talented YouTube cover artist I've ever had the pleasure of listening to. As bittersweet irony would have it, she co-wrote this track for Rihanna. Damn, girl.

For seconders, who else thinks that hot-butted Canadian from Sue Thomas, F.B.Eye has a seriously Canadian hot butt? Two out of two residents in this apartment agree. I highly recommend his CIBC commercials in which he is solely walking away from me. Keep goin'.

I just realized The Office is on.

2009-02-23T20:55:00.000-08:00

Picture your perfect Sunday evening.

Does it look anything like this?

I'm referring to the act of painting-by-number, NOT the act of sitting in your overly furnished parlour room by the picture window harnessing some sort of inspired creative vision.

Kodes and I each started a p.b.n. (if you will) and I'd forgotten how FREAKING long it takes to get through one of these things.

Placement's begun. I'll average about 11 hours of paid work per week. This means meals will be fewer and further between, as well as the winter installment of 'Being Destitute and Dead to the World, and the Side Effects Therein.'

bajingo bajingo bajingo....peepers, or peeps.

2009-02-17T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am willing to pay somebody fifty whole dollars to clean our apartment from top to bottom. The exception being our laundry and our toilets.

I'll make you perogies with green onions and bacon and I'll let you borrow any of Kody's movies. He has a lot.

If my Mom comes to visit next week and our place is in this state I will have officially become the Konkle family pariah.

This is saying a lot coming from someone with a sibling who's 21 and has never had a part-time job.

TWO ARMS UP

2009-02-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

Ferocity!

Raise your hand if you think it's awesome.

the fellow doth protest too much...

2009-02-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

cool things that happened this week

- Saw Kevin Smith at Roy Thomson Hall, accompanied by the eminent Jay Mewes.

- Saw Dogma at the Bloor, followed by Kevin Smith's q&a (he was appropriately stoned out of his gourd).

-Saw the ad Kody drew for the Silver Snail projected on the screen at the Bloor before shouting out rather embarrassingly and then calling him (even though he already knew about it).

- ostracized someone for probably the 7th time in my life. I'm trying to make it an annual thing with this particular friend. So far it's yielded incredibly successful results. I'm not actually proud of it, it's not a cool thing either. It sucks, but when you can't seem to make things work on any level, the towel will be thrown. Thrown in, that is.

- Interpreted my way into a 2 hour depression on Tuesday afternoon, followed by what was an even more grueling discussion ABOUT the 2 hours. What was actually cool about THIS was that I didn't cry ONCE. This is a feat, not because I am a crybaby (I'm not) but because I talked my tears down from the ledge. The kind that are SO ready to drop and blow your cover? I sat down and I said to them 'what do I have to cry about? what?' and consequently they slunk away quietly.

Power up! Four out of five ain't bad.

the more they stay the same.

2009-02-03T20:56:00.000-08:00

That person on the initiating end of a break-up who says "I still love you, it's just a different kind of love," is telling you a bold-faced lie. Anyone who has been romantically and intimately involved with someone can attest to this. We know this the easy way out and realize we're the big fakers in relationships because we have come to know love in our families and among our friends. It's not something anyone can categorize or divide. I have of course uttered that sentence above but it occurs to me now that what I really meant all those times was:

"I love you and nothing's going to change that. What I'm rejecting is our intimacy."

It seems silly to think that a power as strong as love could ever really be abolished and replaced with something 'different'. Everyone is capable of loving more, but I do wonder if we could ever really love less (or differently) once we've come to feel it.

It's the reason why we ache when someone is gone and is never coming back. It's the reason why we reflect and time and time again will be brought to silence because there just aren't words to describe what's filling us up, between our bones and our muscles and our blood and the networks underneath our skin. We are rarely capable (I would even state INcapable) of loving somebody less.

What I find so fascinating is there are thousands of other ways in which we feel less strongly every day. I like something less, I hate something less, something is less irritating, or something is less depressing. I can never love anyone less because its power is infinite. On the great big number line of life, it's impossible to go backwards.

Perhaps this is the key ingredient that rings true with people who believe in Christ's unwavering love and his capacity to forgive; with those who believe in a loving God. Perhaps it is because of science and our language, and our desire to whittle away at an idea until we have every possible explanation for its origin that we lose sight of how Love is because We are.

or not. I'm just sayin', is all.

so little to do, so much time to do so little in.

2009-01-28T17:10:00.001-08:00

seriously guys, if I don't stop eating those g.d. cupcakes at work I'm never going to fit into my Halloween costume next Fall. I realize that I've got time but if you're aware of just how much spandex this suit requires, it ain't gon' be a pretty sight.

all's well on the home front. all's bored on the me front. Kody's got drawing jobs coming out of his anouse and it occurred to me I've got to find a hobby. My New Year's reso is sans solution, but I think I'm finally beginning to see that wanting more for my life is the first step.

I can remember when I had so many things to do in my spare time it was a matter of deciding which to tackle. I doubt that beading bracelets and playing catch with my Dad will happen any time soon but I'm going to try to look for ways to regain 'options'. It can't always be about homework and napping and avoiding folding that massive bag of laundry next to the bed.

RIGHT?
right.

heavy boots

2009-01-08T18:32:00.002-08:00

This week (month, probably) I'm reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I just cracked the cover yesterday after carefully selecting it from a poorly merchandised pile in the Chapters on John Street. The entire story is written in first person narrative from the perspective of an incredibly hilarious and intelligent nine year old boy. I'm about 1/8th of the way in and I am absolutely in love with it.

While I'm sure many people who pride themselves on the excellent literature sitting by their bedside have already read this and know that it is loosely focused on the aftermath of September 11th, I don't dwell too much on that theme because Oskar (the young boy) is the most delightful character I think I've ever read about. Foer's got a hold of my heart with this one.

On a personal note, my brilliantly talented partner Kody Kristopher Peters is day-by-day colouring his snake-obsessed comic which is featured page by page every Wednesday on the Arcana Comics website. I'm not exaggerating when I say this issue has been fussed over for as long as Kody and I have been together and I've seen it grow from infancy to a sexually experienced, well endowed twenty something.

Tina Fey is dating a little person on 30 Rock tonight. He's my favourite.

Thus concludes the longest blog I've ever written about several unrelated things.

"you need to strategically nag."

2009-01-06T07:31:00.002-08:00

Tyra Banks is the worst talk-show host I have ever seen in my life. I say this with full consideration to the pile of other stinkers.

"How Do I Get My Man to Put a Ring on It?"

If you have to go on the most notoriously awful show in order to sit down and have someone who has absolutely no wisdom on the topic talk to you for an hour with what appears to be a hired 'expert' at teaching women about how to give ultimatums to their partners and not give the milk away for free, I think you might prefer to get some free advice from myself. No plane tickets, no brand new outfits, zero dollars for this little pearl.

He's just not that into you.

I can recite clichés too, and it didn't cost anyone a dime.

I want loads of clothes, and fuckloads of diamonds...

2008-12-30T08:04:00.000-08:00

The new Lily Allen track has implanted itself into my head. Great lyrics. She also covered Womanizer. Needless to say (though I'll say it anyway) I prefer it.

Not much to report. I've got only one resolution for next year, and it involves getting my shit organized. We're talking purging, piles, and having everything in its absolutely perfect place. Think I can do it?

Me neither.

Way back in June I had a list of things I wanted to buy for myself by the end of this year, and I feel like I probably would've found a way to do it had I not learned a really useful lesson about living beyond my means. It would've been preferable to learn this without going absolutely stark raving broke, but I unsuccessfully struck the bottom and am beginning to stand up among the rubble. My lists have ceased to be about things and have started to be about working with what I already have to be happy.

I think the key is actually choosing to stand up instead of wallowing where I was once was. This so called 'career' of mine is beginning in less than 6 months and I'm going to have something to show for it instead of a pile of unpaid bills.

Next Christmas I'm taking a page out of my Aunt and Uncle's book and will be donating to a cause that actually resonates with me.

Christmas just isn't Christmas without...

2008-12-25T18:34:00.000-08:00

- My brother violently swearing at his computer screen. How dare I interrupt a serious session of Killing People with Machine Guns and Eating Their Brains Afterwards? How. Dare. I.

- My cousin trying to persuade me to drop everything and move to Brisbane.

- Turkey. The staple of all Christmas dinners. Although, my mother was juggling the idea of Spaghetti this year and I so wish she had ran with it.

- Being incredibly thankful for the dysfunction, regardless of how irritated I find myself feeling at different intervals throughout the day.

Tomorrow Mel and I are gift swapping (this is the Cat Food for Pepperettes Edition of Christmas for us) and seeing Yes Man. Supposedly this movie will change the way I look at saying NO! to everything.

Heroin, deep-fried pickles and car rides with strangers, here I come!

Family Photo Time, from 2007

2008-12-21T08:21:00.000-08:00

Merry Chrismakkah to all, and to all a pleasant fishtail through the 45 foot high drifts!

TEN BANANA CREAM PIIIIIIIIIIIES.

2008-12-20T15:48:00.001-08:00

MJT Xmas went off without a hitch last night. No pictures.

My life used to be narrated by them but I suppose there are memories that I am capable of keeping without some sort of visual aid. HOWEVER, I do have our family Christmas photos from 2007 finally and there's no chance in hell I'd not share those with anyone bored enough to read. Stay tuned for those. I've got pigtails and gold baubles.

There were some crazy funny people there last night. Most notable was my friend Matthew's close friend Alexander who had taken ferociously to singing opera for preeeetty much the entire night. Kody being the friendly type but the also easily-scared type put him on his list of favourite new people he met, but was still sufficiently frightened by the experience.

Impatient Theatre folk were in attendance as it is the school that my beloved Jess Grant attends, they were all true to their calling.

In other news, it's the Armageddon of winter outside and Kody and I stood waiting for the Ossington bus until 2:15am this morning only to realize after calling the Info line that the route stopped 45 minutes BEFORE that. Thank for putting 24 hours on your sign TTC, thanks-a-moundo.

tally-ho....bag

2008-12-15T11:37:00.000-08:00

I'm the complete opposite of 'ready' for the holidays.

unprepared? unawares? unwilling to express any form of seasonal spirit?

Next week will be different though. Next week will be my Mom's cooking and church on Christmas Eve (seriously.) and sleeping in until EIGHT in the am. Also I won't smell like an espresso machine for four straight days. Belee' dat.

Now I've got to go to school to rob them of their printer ink.

makin' wood-davers

2008-12-06T08:40:00.001-08:00

Lost my wallet two days ago. Found it yesterday. Somehow still broke.

Cats need their shots soon, hopefully they won't catch anything life threatening until after Christmas because I will not be able to afford any vet visits until then. Dr. Gary wants my money, but he shan't get it.

Cover of the Globe and Mail today made me feel awful inside. What are we doing over there? Killing ourselves and killing other people. It's really the only job that has any security right now...what does THAT tell you about the times?

Two Christmas parties tonight! Ohhhh the joy of drinking away one's sorrows. I have longed for your warm fuzzy embrace, followed by semi-dehydration.

pure spite is what makes this world go 'round

2008-11-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

There are a few people in my life that I've tolerated for a short time, full well knowing I would never have to be friends with them.

What I mean to say is: Thank God this short time has passed.

Today Ryan sent me a link with the subject line "I'd think again about having a baby."

Thoughts?

stuff that makes bigger kids make fun of you.

2008-11-24T16:13:00.000-08:00

Speak of the devil!

My face is making me extra extra crazy this week. I have to switch my skincare regiment every month because it decides it wants to be awful as soon as I feel like I've found something to carry me through the dry itchy season.

If there's anyone out there with combination skin who has found something that is consistently awesome after struggling for years *let me KNOW. I'm not 16 and I'm tired of having to deal with this. These suggestions should not include any form of oral meds - we're talking washes, toners, or masks.

*say ProActiv and I'll blacklist you as both a friend and a blogger.

Twilight didn't impress anyone: huge surprise.

2008-11-21T17:59:00.001-08:00

Kody and I celebrated our first anniversary on Wednesday. He made dinner for us and it was deeeeeeeeelicious. Especially wonderful as well because he made chili and there was so much left over we don't have to buy groceries for a few nights now. For anyone who can handle extra spicy dishes, replace your regular chili powder with ground chipotle pepper. WOAAAH mama.

Tomorrow is the ODSA Volleyball Tournament and following that I'll be going out for the first time in at least two months so I can enjoy myself a bit before classes start up again. I don't care how lame the bar is, they let students in for free and I have enough wine to host a substantial pre-game.

"come here and say that to my face, you stupid skinny bitch!"

2008-11-18T20:57:00.001-08:00

No bunnies or grouses were harmed in the making of Lance and Kody's Wilderness Expedition.

This is what they've chosen to tell me. I in turn have chosen to believe it.

Tonight I met with my mentor who is also a George Brown Interpreting Alumni. I feel a billion bucks better. It means the world to me that there's someone out there who is like minded and who worried about the same things that I currently stew over. Unfortunately I have no idea who to talk to about what to do when OSAP has stopped serving as my primary income and those payments are knocking on my door.

I've also been reconnecting with someone. They aren't who I'd necessarily call an 'old' friend because it seems to me that every year there is something distinctly brand spanking new about what we have to offer each other and what we're able to share. Some years have been really rocky but I have high hopes for this time around. Actually, out of anyone I'm close to I think this one relationship is my best gauge for my growth as a friend.

All religious connotations aside, I felt blessed today.

Lastly, I wish Lily Allen would come back already. I know she had a rough year but she made my daily life so much more sunshiney.

so I can say I knew you when...

2008-11-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Come see my effervescent friend Jess Grant perform with her Incubator Team WDWMKR tonight at the Savannah Room. FIVE DOLLA!

Women be's funny, yo.

my name is Indigo Montoya...

2008-11-10T16:08:00.000-08:00

Folks, there are very few things I have learnt while on the 23 year long path that is my life, but of the few, even less stand out.

There was that time in my 2nd year of University where I decided to descend from my halfway climb up the rocky mountain that is Linguistics: Speech and Language Sciences and embark on the four year journey which brought me to where I am today.

For anyone who doesn't know (of the two people who read my blog) I'm graduating from my program at George Brown College this April, after a one year Pre-Interpreter certificate program and a three year diploma program for ASL-English Interpreting. This means that I will have six years of post-secondary education in my past, along with a gazillion dollars worth in student loans to pay back. The loans don't frighten me as much as the idea of being a professional-like individual at a very unprofessional age still clinging to an extremely unprofessional part-time job.

In other news, I got a raise. A 3% raise. Now instead of worrying about paying all the bills I can pay all the bills AND have enough for half a week's worth of groceries. Apples and potential box of cereal, HERE I COME.

Kody is gone for 7 more days on his big burly journey to the East with Lance "the Silver Fox" Peters. His father and him have decided they're going to learn to hunt with bows and arrows and somehow shoot an unsuspecting rabbit which they will then use for meat, and presumably an outfit for Lance's Geronimo action figure. There was also talk of the skin being useful for Geronimo's wigwam.

I reluctantly saw him off on Friday afternoon and let him know that he would a) be completely awful as an archer and unable to hit his mark and b) be terrified of killing a Mama rabbit and robbing her offspring of their only chance for survival. I have every confidence that they'll make contact with Lance's fake deer target several times but I have high hopes that all Thumpers will go unharmed on this expedition.

I need some serious fruit juice and a MetroPass.

peath.

This is it...

2008-11-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

Now I can stop being anxious about McCain winning, and start being anxious about hateful people everywhere.

When the war is "over" and the economy is "back on track" I wonder what the new threat level will be.

yeah I'm a violinist but I've got this other project where I'm a violinist...as well.

2008-10-19T12:53:00.000-07:00

Why do bands call other bands that they've decided to start on the side 'projects'???? Is it supposed to avoid insulting the band they're currently in? It's still a band. It's not a project. A project is construction paper and Bristol board and Elmer's. It's Photoshop or it's fund raising. Actually you know what else it is? It's shitty housing where people who are in unfortunately shitty situations live. I mean that without a grin on my face, for anyone who is determined to be offended by it.

Being in a band is what it is.

I guess all of this is null and void in hipster-speak. Just because you've started a 'project' on the side doesn't mean it is excusable for its potential to be crap. It'd just be a shitty band, not an unsuccessful project.

I'm having a good day today. We're getting a preview of a movie channel and I have plans to do *everything but anything.

*drink leftover beer from our housewarming party and possibly make chicken wings that have so much barbecue sauce on them even the cats will be used as napkins.

a day in the life...

2008-10-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

chainsaws and pandas and pasta

2008-09-27T07:37:00.000-07:00

Today is housewarming day.

Here are the ways I feel in alphabetical order:

- anxious
- bloated

....eeeeyep.

Melanie and her band of merry men stayed with us last night because they're rocking Pause Designs at the Clothing Show this weekend. I really wish I had an extra cinq minutes to go to the Ex and see their booth. I like their artwork, goes without saying I'd like it on a shirt. I also think Kody needs to take up an endeavour of some sort with them, they all seem to have a mutual love for his Turtle Camper.

There is some FUUUUCKIN' deeeelicious thai chicken with green curry and basil penne sitting in my fridge. I'm just counting the minutes until it's reasonably lunch-time and I can put those little babies inside me. Thank you, Magic Oven.

Lastly, HOMEWORK?! a)why is there so much of you, and b) who can I pay to do you?

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

2008-09-04T18:07:00.001-07:00

Is there anything quite as delicious? Four thousand calories and yet I still feel giddy knowing I get to drink them whenever I want.

School started on Tuesday. We've embraced the 90's and have started using PCs in our daily routine in order to be acquainted with others in ways that don't include VHS tapes. I feel so modern.

KP and I have recently shacked up in our surprisingly crowded nest. I'm pretty sure he's counting every moment until he can have his own toy room and can fly that Millennium Falcon around of his own volition. Actually, I'm sort of waiting to do that too. Might as well be honest with myself and my adoring public. Right, Ma?

So in the next two weeks I've got 62 hours of work on my plate, sprinkled with a delicate serving of 36 hours of class-time, plus homework, plus volunteering. If I find time to have a nap or a cup of cocoa I'll be sure to post it on Blogger. Or maybe I won't because odds are I'll have chosen the nap.

Now, to tidy.

I mean do nothing.

Bye for now.

2008-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Cheryl Nelson-McCartney,

You're awesome and wonderful and beautiful and brave and strong and irreplaceable in every way imaginable, and I'll miss you.

aches and pains of the emotional variety

2008-07-23T16:33:00.001-07:00

Cancer can suck my left nut.

I feel like Global Warming wouldn't even stand a chance in a cage match.

Here's to a wonderful woman who brings happiness to so many people. I'm scared and anxious and I can't even begin to know how to say the right things to those particular people, but I'm going to try.

Can't even begin to reflect on what's fair and unfair. Everyone's already said it. It's in the way they proclaim "oh my God, that's awful." It is. That's basically all there is.

How someone so wonderful can be in this position only further strengthens my belief that there has to be something beyond the shells that we exist inside of. She BETTER receive her reward tenfold for the unfathomable pain she's experienced.

Seriously God, if you exist and if you don't make this shit right, I'll fucking kill you.

but when you look at them, and you see that they're beautiful...

2008-07-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

that's how I feel about you.

Had a really brief conversation yesterday about marriage and children and biological clocks which tick at alarming rates. Or so it seems in my case. I'm 24 this year and am actually comfortable admitting that I don't think it will be much longer before there is a wee one in my life. I suppose to some this concept of 'nesting' is just another way of conforming to what's around me (because I swear to four deities that if one more anorexic drug addict gives birth on the front of US Weekly I'll scream), but I don't feel pressure from society to bear children or to make a religious commitment to any form of partner. My body is ready but I'm just waiting for the rest of me to catch up. This motherhood/baby-having concept is currently all about me and I think when I'm ready for it to be about me AND another little being that demands for me to put it first, I'll really be set.

As far as the very unnecessary ceremony of marriage, I can confidently state that it's not in the cards for me. I don't think there is anything in the world that I'd least prefer to spend money on. If I'm going to get wed it's not going to be any sort of hoop-lah, and if I intend to receive any gifts whatsoever, feel free to donate to my cause.

That's all it's going to be about, really. Potentially happy couple; washer and dryer. I think what scares me most about the idea of wedlock is knowing that as a human animal I have never been able to want just one partner. I am indeed a creature of monogamy, but so far only for a couple of years at a time. I would hate to be with someone who wants to explore other options but feels trapped because they have vowed to love me and no other. I believe that some love has an expiration date. Leaving should always be an option. So, because that basis negates the very definition of marriage I find myself decided that it's not something I'd like to partake in.

Why the hell would I take a 50/50 chance on something when I can just leave it 100% open to ANY outcome?

This all being said, the one I'm with is brilliant, funny, talented, handsome AND feels all these things for me as well. It's all I can ask for at this stage. Possibility is such a limitless notion, and I'm glad I can still feel free within what some people consider a confine.

it's untitled because I don't love it as much as the other entries. this is the redheaded stepchild of blogs.

2008-06-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

This summer, due to having two jobs and no money I happen to be missing a whole lot of drinking, a whole lot of dancing, and a whole lot of Toronto life.

I've grown to accept this reality and even somehow have come to enjoy and appreciate it, so here for your viewing pleasure are reasons why it's actually awesome to not do anything:

1. You lose weight.

Oddly enough this has been true for me, although I could see it not being the case for people who take the word 'nothing' too literally. If all you do is work and sleep and there isn't any extra money to go out for dinner or drink copious litres of alcohol, there aren't any extra pounds to be had. You end up on a steady diet of yogurt and well-crafted sandwiches. Sandwiches are delicious, aren't they?

2. You listen to a lot of music.

'nuff said. last.fm has made it possible for my days at home (and there are a lot of them) to be filled with the stylings of artists new and old for FUH-ree. I never actually realized how little I listened to when I was what people consider to be 'busy'. This is probably not a universal issue, it's just what's wicked about my new sit-stillness.

3. You can talk to animals.

tchyeah. As if you haven't always wanted to do that. No, they don't understand me. No, I'm not sure they even care. That isn't the point, actually. What IS the point is that I get to do it because being at home a lot sort of makes you feel a little crazy in your bean.

4. You start to feel crazy.

How many people can honestly say they've witnessed a spiral (whether downward or vice versa) into insanity within themselves? Raise your hands. See? I get to do that and you don't. I'm awesome.

5. There is so much more time to clean everything.

I don't though.

6. Payday doesn't equal an evening where I come home and can't remember why I started out with 60 bucks but ended up with being drunk and feeling like a dehydrated turd for the duration of the following day.

I mean, I love beer and I love being drunk, but it's really cool to now know what having normal sleep patterns is like. Feeling rested isn't foreign anymore, nor is having those 60 dollars go towards more delicious sandwich ingredients.

I'll think of more some day. I have to go talk to my cat.

I just watched the Girlicious: Like Me video...

2008-05-25T06:04:00.001-07:00

Seriously?

That tranny who invented the Pussycat Dolls thought it would be a good idea make an even bigger mockery of pop music? If P-Diddy, who at one time could pick his nose and turn it into a hit album couldn't find a way to make reality TV birth a successful group, where does this broad's confidence generate from?

Do what you know! Initiate a nation-wide burlesque dancer search, find one and keep it to your damn self. There's a reason why Carmen Electra didn't embark on a mystical, magical, albeit slutty musical journey.

I'm a little bit upset that I even paid enough attention to this poor remake of the Christina Aguilera Dirrty video to make it my first post in a month.

In other news, I think summer has finally arrived. There's an actual bumblebee outside my window. Fly! Pollinate, little dude!