because they're ROOTED.

Feel like I've got no way to gauge the stability of the knots that I've tied. Shit's unraveling and floating away.

Sometimes what i perceive to be a closeness is only coming from one direction (mine), and that's truly one of the most uncomfortable places to be. Lord help me when I assume some sort of unspoken intimacy (in terms of trust and comfort) and I find out that I was WAY off the mark. Expectations are so dangerous even in situations where you once felt like being yourself was 'enough'.

"You don't know what you don't know."

I hear that a lot lately, and yeah...apart from its linguistic redundancy it's factual. But what really seems to ring true for me is that I don't know what I think I know.

Age plays a part. It's got to. Who I was amongst friends five years ago is certainly not who I am amongst them now, and though I know some acceptance is absolute, I do wonder how to peg off the ones it doesn't apply to. It's all so painful when the pegging off is done for me. I don't want people to go. But they do. Maybe it was me and maybe it wasn't but impermanence is SO sucky. Sucky's a really stupid word but it fits.

Is it that I haven't spent enough time with heterosexual males and therefore don't have any idea how that world works anymore? I'm not comfortable saying that it should matter at all...but DOES it?

I'm not ready to let some of those 'ships' - friend or relation or companion- sink because there's so much more I want to learn about the people I genuinely feel for, and it's really upsetting me that this proverbial rope is fraying or dwindling or about to snap or SOMETHING that happens when individuals head in different directions all the while ignoring that the hub they're attached to is based on this simple, EASY thing. It's so easy to care about people. Why does everything else have to get in the way?

How did I get to a stage in my life where I've really become this clueless? Practicing cynicism has definitely contributed, and THAT'S supposed to have the opposite result. You raise your eyebrow and you question most things and that's how you see the margarine disguising itself as butter. RIGHT? I've been duped, it seems.

Anyway, this weekend has been gorgeous and if I could just make friends with trees all of this heart ache would dissipate.

I'm sure of that.

cardboard rollerblades and welding goggles

Glorious Tuesdays which follow much beloved holiday Mondays.

You think you can set your sights high because you don't have to endure a "somebody's got a case of..." situation. Arriving to work on a Tuesday ensures you avoid that bad tasting beginning.

Truth is, the beginning to any week unless it starts with an orgasm, monetary gift, new puppy or pair of shoes is generally crapulent regardless of its prefix.

Mine did not start with any of those. It damn well better end with one, though.

Preferably a puppy.

I know the crap out of women.

Not much to report. Have gone from being absolutely flat broke to being able to pay both rent AND bills in the same pay cheque. mindBLASTING.

The family across our alleyway never stops
a)yelling
b)crying
c)smashing things
d)all of the above

If you chose d, you probably have neighbours just like them.

Clothing Show today, where Eric, Ken and Andrew are selling their wares and are most likely the hottest young entrepreneurs in the building. I'm on the look out for a pair of boots. Also, some sort of blouse.

so long, free Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Here's to turning over a new leaf, getting a new job, being all that I can be, and paying for my coffee. The last one's going to suck.

I don't anticipate this to be well received...

Addiction doesn't discriminate based on social class, and I would never presume to know anything about a person's inner demons, but it's not fucking glamorous.

It gets under my skin that people start throwing 'r.i.p.'s' around like this loss is any different than the potential loss of the people we see roaming around Toronto suffering from the same illness(es). Next time you have an uncomfortable moment with someone in a sketchier part of town, and you complain about them being a crack head, remember the extent to which you acknowledged Adam Goldstein in his death.

Redundant; Are You?

Nova Scotia was grandtastacupendous. Not only did we manage to come back to a garbage-free Toronto, but I had my first real trip on an airplane, my first real hysterical in-sky attack due to some pressure-related issue in my right ear AAAAND Porter Airlines serves all the Stella Artois you could ever drink. If the turbulence doesn't cause you to spray it all over your overhead compartment as well as the passengers directly in front of you.

I'm only posting one photo - it's quite honestly the most horrific version of myself that I've ever seen but it needs to be done.



It was really lovely to feel sort of insignificant in comparison to the life that subsisted all around Kody's father's cottage without us bothersome lumbering homo sapiens disrupting them. Mind you, grandmaster KP DID manage to hit a large rabbit with a rather BOTHERSOME, LUMBERING arrow. Fear not, for it bounced off the bunny's leg, giving it 'no more than a charlie horse.' This, coming from two men who wanted to eat it for dinner. Reeeeaaal convincing. It got away.

Back to my original point though; this cottage is essentially surrounded by forest in West Dalhousie. All manner of beasts omnivorous and carnivorous reside there, though I'm sure I only saw hummingbirds, that one unfortunate rabbit and mosquitoes. Bear scat seemed to be an exciting find on Kodes' and his dad's nature hikes.

Admittedly I didn't partake in too many of them, save for the one search for snowshoe saplings, where I trailed just far enough behind to be absolutely sure I'd never get out of that brush alive if I ever ventured off by myself. His property lends itself more to the type of hiker that wants to make their own trail...hacking at the five foot ferns with whatever device is handy. Give me a dirty path with some roots and rocks, maybe a log or two to hop on...but this sister ain't into walking on top of bunny holes and/or being that dunce who gets the WHOMP! end of a branch that the hiker ahead has unknowingly prepared for me in a crack-the-whip kinda way.

What was also mind-blowingly beautiful were the night skies. Kodes and I sat on the back porch every evening listening to bull frogs, just looking up. Nature's got it pretty good, over there. Makes me feel that much worse for the state of the city I live in.

Tick season also kept me inside when the three P's were out fishing in the canoe. I DO enjoy fishing, canoes, AND lakes..but this time off really warranted me the opportunity to do a lot of thinking by myself in a new space. Being sort of a fourth wheel in a family expedition I also wanted to grant myself AND KP's family some alone time. Plus, like I said: ticks. I'm a wuss, fair 'nuff.

I DID enjoy my fair share of air, sea, and sun when we would go on trips into the surrounding towns. My favourite was definitely Lunenburg. If I ever won the 649 and someone in that town wanted to sell me their brightly painted, well maintained, shoreline store/house/restaurant, I'd be pretty hard-pressed to say no.

Now I'm back to steaming milk, and smelling of a roastery. Perhaps it was all a dream.

"of all the days NOT to mess us around sir, this is the one."

GOD IN HEAVEN

Watching Law and Order UK...obviously bound to be the best version created so far.

This particular episode didn't start with your run of the mill murder and then stranger-who-happens-upon-the-body. A gynecologist (the perp) just attempted to pleasure one of their patients (the vic). SERIOUSLY? seriously. TV is getting RIIIISQUE.

In other news, I've got a cold sore just in time for vacation! weeeeee!